

THE DOO--FUNNY 
FAMILY 



B: 



Mary MoJena Burns, A.M. 



^S.Denison & Company 

Publishers • Chicago 




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Price, 25 Cents 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Cataiosue Free. 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2^ hrs (35c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs (35c) 15 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1% 

hrs (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 4 4 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (35c) 6 10 

And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (50c) 6 6 

Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (35c) 7 5 

Assisted by Sadie, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (50c) 6 6 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2y2 hrs (35c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2^4 hrs (35c) 6 14 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 9 3 

Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. 

(25c) 17 

Boy Scouts' Good Turn, 3 acts, 

IH hrs : (25c) 16 2 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2 54 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2^ h. (25c) 7 4 
Call of the Colors, 2 acts, lyi 

hrs (25c) 4 10 

Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, 1^ 

hrs (25c) 10 

Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (35c) 8 10 

Civil Service, 3 acts, 2^4, hrs. 

(35c) 6 5 

College Town, 3 acts, 2^ 

hrs (35c) 9 8 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2*4 hrs. 

(35c) 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 214 hrs (35c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr (25c) 10 

Enchanted Wood, 1^ h.(35c).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, 1 J^ h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

For the Love of Johnny, 3 

acts, 214 hrs (50c) 6 3 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

1^/^ hrs (30c) 9 14 

Gettin' Acquainted, 25 min. 

(35c) 1 2 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs. .; (35c) 3 5 



M. F. 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 Iws (25c) 12 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Jayville Junction, IVz hrs. (25c) 14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (35c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2% hrs (35c) 6 12 

Laughing (jure, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. 

(35c) 4 5 

Lighthouse Nan, 3 acts, 2J4 

hrs (35c) 5 4 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2J4 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 3 4 

Mirandy's Minstrels. . .. (30c) Optnl. 
Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 2% hrs (35c) 4 7 

My Irish Rose, 3 acts, 2yi hrs. 

(35c) 6 6 

Old Maid's Club, IJ^ hrs. (30c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

114 hrs (30c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

21/2 hrs. \ (25c) 10 4 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose. 4 acts, 2i4h.(35c) 7 4 
Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (35c) 7 9 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 2J4 

hrs (35c) 10 12 

Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 254 

hrs (35c) 5 7 

Safety First, 3 acts, 

21/4 hrs (35c) 5 5 

Southern Cinderella, 3 acts. 2 

hrs (30c) 7 

Spark of Life, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 4 4 

Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 214 

hrs (35c)10 10 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 254 h. (35c) 6 5 
Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

■ 2 hrs. (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 2J^ 

hrs. . (35c) 9 16 

Tonv, the Convict, S acts, 214 

'hrs (25c) 7 4 

Trial of H-earts, 4 acts, 254 hrs. 

(35c) 6 18 

Trip to Storviand, 1 Va hrs. (25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts. 2% hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs .r35c) 7 10 

When Smith Stepped Out, 3 

acts, 2 hrs (50c) 4 4 

Whose Little Bride Are You? 

3 acts, 2y2 fat's (50c) 5 5 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, 114 hrs. 

(25c) 2 4 



T. S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers, 154 W.RandolphSt., Chicago 



THE 

DOO -FUNNY FAMILY 

HUMOROUS ENTERTAINMENT 



BY 

MARY MODENA BURNS, A.M. 

AUTHOR OF 

"Her Honor the Mayor," "Good Things for Sunday Schools,' 
"Schoolroom Entertainments," Etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMIl^^^ 

CHARACTERS. •'^ 

The Witch of Timbuctoo A Beauty Specialist 

Grandmaw Doo-Funny JVith Young Ideas 

Aunt Dishy Doo-Funny Poor Old Maid! 

Paw Doo-Funny Homely but Happy 

Maw Debbie Doo-Funny Alzvays Cheerful 

Dumpy Doo-Funny Afraid of Ghosts 

DoTTiE Dimple Doo-Funny A Timn 

Daffy Dilly Doo-Funny Likezvise a Twin 

Doughnut Doo-Funny An Azvful Cut-up 

Baby Doo-Funny A Little Blossom 

Tessie Tubbs Short and Fat 

Lengthy Lizzie Tall and Thin 



Place — The Doo-Funnv Garden. 



Time of Playing — About One Hour. 



SPECIALTIES. 

1. Aunt Dishy visits the Doo-Funnies 

2. Novelty Song. ''Here We Stand Behind the Wall." 
The Doo-Funny Family 

3. Comedy Recitation. "The Crooked Mouths".... 
Mazu Debbie Doo-Funny 

4. Humorous Song. "Barnyard Chorus" 

Grandmazv and Chorus 

5. Kid Monologue. "Little Blossom" Baby 

6. Rube Duet. "Bohunkus" The Tzirins 

7. Dialogue. "A Ghost in a Garden" 

Pazif, Dumpy and Doughnut 

8. Chorus. "Join Our Jolly Party" The Family 

9. Dialogue. "A Magical Operation" 

Witch, Tessie and Li:^::ie 

10. Finale All 

COPYRIGHT, 1920, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

AUG 19 19.;, gas 55317 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 3 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

The Witch — Long dark robe or kimono with yellow cats 
sewed on it also moons, stars and signs of the zodiac. Tall, 
conical, pasteboard hat. Hair powdered white and flowing. 
Large spectacles. Stuffed cat or owl on shoulder. Cane. 

GrandAxAw — Dark house dress, large apron, kerchief 
crossed on breast, white cap. She has a downcurving nose 
and an upcurving chin, made of "nose putty," a soft, plastic 
material that may be purchased from T. S. Denison & Com- 
pany, Chicago, 111. After molding the nose and chin in 
hands add grease paint to putty and apply grease paint to 
face. Dry with towel, then put on the nose and chin and 
powder all. Large spectacles are worn. Try out the make- 
up several times at rehearsals until it looks fairly natural. 

Aunt Dishy — Old-fashioned costume, cork-screw curls, 
handbag, lace mitts, funny old-maidish hat and sunshade. 
Should be able to play the piano. Overact this part as much 
as you please. This is the leading role and should be played 
as broadly humorous as possible. 

Paw Dog-Funny — Comedy costume. Broad putty nose. 
False eyebrows and chin whiskers sticking out in front about 
four inches. Suit too small for him. 

Debbie — Funny costume and hat. Long pointed nose of 
putty. 

Dumpy — Freckled awkward boy of 17. Suit much too 
large. Putty nose, a decided pug. 

Twins — Dressed alike in funny costumes, striped stock- 
ings, pinafores, straw hats with one feather sticking straight 
up in front. Dottie's nose is bent to left and Daisy's to 
right. For their specialty they don men's coats, straw hats 
and false whiskers. 

Doughnut — Similar to Dumpy. Long pointed nose, 
turning up at the end. Skeleton false face and long white 
sheet for the ghost scene. 

Baby— -White dress, baby cap. Her putty nose is a little 
round disc, not too much exaggerated. 

Tessie — Ordinary costume. A rather tall girl. 

Lizzie — Ordinary costume. A rather short girl. 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 



STAGE ARRANGEMENT. 

This entertainment has been written in such a manner 
that scenery and curtains are not at all necessary. A brick 
wall, about four and a half feet high, runs across the stage 
about four feet in front of the rear wall. This is the only 
important bit of setting and should be of a framework 
with the side nearest the audience covered with "brick pa- 
per," a crepe paper (X916) sold by the Dennison Manu- 
facturing Company, Chicago, 111., and much in vogue for 
window decorating at Christmas time. A board about six 
inches wide should form the top of the wall. Back of the 
wall several boughs of green leaves are tacked to give the 
effect of a grove and several small trees or large boughs 
may be nailed to the stage .at R. and L. Leaves or loose 
straw is scattered over the floor. Pots of blooming plants 
(the pots concealed by leaves or grass) stand at the foot 
of the wall. A piano stands down L. near the audience, 
with piano stool near it. Footlights should shine onto the 
stage and the lights in the audience room should be dimmed. 
An alarm clock stands on the wall, the alarm set at the exact 
time the performance begins. The clock is attached to a 
small dark cord that runs to a pulley in the ceiling and 
then back of the wall, so that the clock may be drawn up 
to the ceiling at the proper time. 

Aunt D. and The Witch are concealed at the rear of 
the audience room, the other characters are hidden behind 
the wall. 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 



LIST OF PROPERTIES. 
The wall. 
Alarm clock. 
Leafy boughs. 
Blooming plants. 
Piano and stool. 

Shoes and stockings for Family's arms. 
Large bottle and spoon for Dumpy. 
Large pin for Doughnut. 
Dipper of water for Debbie. 
Stuffed stockings for Baby. 
Whiskers for the Twins. 
Skeleton false face and sheet for Doughnut. 
Banjos, ukuleles or guitars for Doughnut and Paw. 
Large carving knife on the piano. 
Umbrellas and stuffed masks for Tessie and Lizzie. 

The false noses used in this entertainment may be made 
of nose putty as suggested in the description of costumes or 
they may be cut from false-faces, or purchased from firms 
dealing in false-faces. 



THE MUSIC. 

All the music called for in this entertainment may be 
found in the ''Golden Book of Favorite Songs," which we 
will send postpaid upon receipt of price, 15 cents. They are 
old airs familiar to nearly every one. 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 

Scene: The Doo-Funny Garden. For instructions for 
arranging the stage see Stage Arrangement, page 4. No 
curtains are needed. Aunt Dishy and The Witch are 
concealed at the rear of the audience room; the other char- 
acters are hidden behind the wall. • 

At 8:i§ (or any other time when the play is to begin) 
the alarm on the clock goes off loudly. This attracts the 
attention of the audience to the stage. The alarm clock is 
then slowly pulled up to a pulley in the ceiling directly over 
the zvall. The clock is pulled by a black cord by someone 
hidden back of the zvall, but not until the alarm has rung 
as long as possible. After the clock disappears Aunt 
Dishy appears at the rear of the audience room. 

Aunt Dishy — Grandmaw, Grandmaw ! Hello, there ! Is 
anybody at home? [She starts dozun the aisle ton^ard the 
stage.) I declare the old garden looks plum deserted and 
there ain't a living soul in the house. I wonder where every- 
body is. Not even a cat or a rooster around anywheres. 
(Calls.) Dillpickle Doo-Funny, where are you? Grand- 
maw ! I'll bet they're all off to the picture show, or prayer- 
meetin' or somewheres, and I've had my trip clean over 
from (name nearby tozm) all for nothing. (Climbs onto 
the stage.) Don't seem to be a soul about and I might just 
as well take a rest in their garden. (Sees piano near L. 
front.) My stars and chicken gizzards, if they ain't moved 
their new pianny right out here in the front yard. Never 
heerd tell of sich a thing in all my born days. 

Gi^andaiaw looks over the zvall but Aunt D. does not see 
her. 

Aunt D. I wonder where they've all got to. Seems like 
Grandmaw would be here anyway. She ain't no hand to 
gad about nowheres, exceptin' to funerals, and I ain't heerd 
of nobody bein' dead. Grandmaw ! 

6 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 7 

Grandmaw (at R. back of the wall keeps time zcith her 
Jiead as she speaks in a sing-song tone). 

Here I stand, a funny old granny ; 

I can dance a jig or play the pianny ! 

I have a good time, as you'll soon see — 

And if you don't like it, why, fiddle-de-dee ! 

Aunt D. (rises at the sound of her voice, gazes at her, 
then sinks feebly back on the piano stool.) Fer the land 
sakes, who are yoiif I dunno as I know you, but your face 
looks kinda familiar. And what you doing back of the Doo- 
Funny wall ? 

Grand. Now, Dishy Doo-Funny, don't you know me ? 
I'm your own fond mamma, but I'm changed, you see ! 

Aunt D. Changed ? \\'ell, I should think you was. .My 
stars and chicken gizzards, where did you git that nose? 

Grand. I ain't as pretty as I used to be, 

But I'm a whole lot happier, don't you see ! 

Aunt D. Well, I'd never a recognized you in Kingdom 
Come. Where's brother Dillpickle? 

Paw bobs up beside Grandmaw. 

Paw. Sister Dishy, here's a big surprise. 

Put on your specs and rub your eyes. 
Dillpickle Doo-Funny, here I be, 
But I'm somewhat changed, as you kin see. 

Aunt D. (on piano stool). Air you my brother Dill- 
pickle? (He nods.) I don't believe you. 

Paw. Here's our maw, she orter know, 
Speak up Grandmaw, ain't it so? 

Grand, (nods). He speaks the truth, he is your brother, 
You're an old maid and I'm your mother. 

Aunt D. (indignantly). Who's an old maid? Not me, 
let me tell you. Why I'm just in the bloom of youth. 
(Crosses to R. indignantly.) 

Paw. Bloom of youth? (Laughs.) Say, I reckon that 
bloom has gone to seed, ain't it? 

Aunt D. Oh, is that so, Dillpickle Doo-Funny? Well, 



8 THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 

I ain't got a nose a mile wide nohow. Where's sister Deb- 
bie? Is your wife hiding back there, too? 

Debbie pops up beside Paw. 

Debbie. Take a seat, Dishy, and don't be afraid, 
Maw shouldn't call you a pore old maid. 
It ain't your fault, goodness knows you've tried 
To catch (insert local name) and be his bride. 
Aunt D. It ain't so, the idea ! Why, he's proposed to 
me numerous times, but I ain't aimin' to marry no (insert 
his business). I want a street car conductor, or a million- 
aire, or sump'm. 

Dumpy pops tip beside Debbie. 

Dumpy. Hello, Aunt Dishy, here you see 

Mister Dumpy Doo-Funny, that is me. 
Dottie and Daffy appear. 
Twins. Dottie Dimple Doo-Funny, Daffy Dilly, too — 
The twins both wish you a how-de-do ! 

Doughnut bobs up. 
Doughnut. Doughnut Doo-Funny's next in line, 
Hello, aunty, you sure look fine. 
Baby appears at L. 

Baby. Cast your eye right this way 

While Baby Doo-Funny says her say ; 

Old Aunt Dishy, watch your step, 

'Cause we're goin' to show you lots of pep. 

The First Stunt. 

(These stunts are numbered; any or all of them may be 
omitted zvithout interfering with the action of the entertain- 
ment.) 

Aunt D. plays the piano, the others sing, nodding their 
heads in time. 

"here we stand^ behind the wall/' 

(Tune: ''Yankee Doodle,'' played rather fast.) 

Here we stand behind the wall, 
Singing bright and snappy; 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY § 

Though we are a homely bunch, 
Anyhow we're happy. 

Ever cheerful, bright and gay, 
Jolly folks and sunny ; 
Laugh and sing the hours away 
With Paw and Maw Doo-Funny. 

All the day we sing and dance, 

Turkey Trot and Tango, 
For a change we clap our hands 
And join In the Fandango. 

Ever cheerful bright and gay, 
Jolly folks and sunny; 
Laugh and sing the hours away 
With Paw and Maw Doo-Funny. 

Every day there's something new ; 

Laughter is our diet ; 
Sometimes we stand upon our heads — 

Want to see us try it? 

Down and down and down we go ; 

(All sink dozmi slozvly.) 
It's worth a lot o' money 

(All disappear.) 
To see us stand upon our heads. 
The Family Doo-Funny. 

(The Family elez'afe their arms above the zvall; arms and 
hands clothed with shoes and stockings, the soles of the 
shoes pointing forward, so the toes ivill he turned toivard the 
spectators. This must he thoroughly rehearsed to look nat- 
ural and never fails to make a sensation:) 

Now we're doing circus tricks, 

(Keeping time zvith hands and arms.) 

Singing bright and snappy, 
Though we all are upside down, 
Anyhow we're happy. 



10 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 



Ever cheerful, bright and gay, 
Jolly folks and sunny; 
Come and stand upon your head 
With Paw and Maw Doo-Funny ! 
{Hands disappear and the Family bob up as before.) 

End of the First Stunt. 
Aunt D. (rises). I believe you're crazy, every last 
one of you, and you all used to be so proper and so prim. 
Honest, I'm ashamed of you, standing on your heads for 
all the world like a parcel of circus clowns. It ain't re- 
spectable. You're all as crazy as a bunch of loons; and 
just about as good looking. Sich noses I never saw in all 
my born days. My stars and chicken gizzards, if you don't 
look a sight ! 

Baby. We ain't as handsome as a garden of roses, 

But we have a good time in spite of our noses. 
Grand. The elephant out in the Zoo 
Has really got nothing to do 
With the cut of my clothes. 
Or the shape of my nose, 
And neither, Aunt Dishy, have you. 

Paw. For beauty I am not a star, 

There are others more handsome, by far ; 

But my face, I don't mind it. 

For I am behind it. 
It's the people in front that I jar. 

Debbie. At any rate we're not as bad as the Lady from 
Linn. 

Others. Who was she? What did she do? (Etc.) 
Debbie. There was a young lady from Linn. 
Who was so exceedingly thin 
That when she essayed 
To drink lemonade 
She slipped through the straw and fell in. 
Daffy. There was a young lady named Perkins, 
Who always ate pickles and gherkins, 
She ate so much spice 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 11 

That one day in a trice 
She injured her internal workins. 
Doughnut. And you all remember Dora, don't you? 
I'm sure none of us were as queer looking as she was. 
Baby. What Dora? Doora-knob? {Giggle.) 
Doughnut. There was a young lady named Dora, 
The same shape behind as before-a. 
And, as no one knew where 
To offer a chair, 
She had to sit down on the floor-a. 
(All laugh in different fashions. During the recital of 
the preceding verses the Family remove the shoes and stock- 
ing from their arms.) 

The Second Stunt. 
Debbie (comes in front of the zvall and dozvn to C). I'm 
sure our noses are funny enough but they don't interfere 
with us in any way. We're not half as bad as the 

CROOKED MOUTH FAMILY. 

You see Mother Crooked Mouth's got a mouth like this. 
(Lips pulled in.) Father's got a mouth like this. (Lips 
parted and held stiffly apart like the month of a fish.) Sail's 
got a mouth Hke this. (Ad outh twisted to right side.) Sam, 
he's Sail's beau, he's got a mouth like this. (Mouth tzmsted 
to left side.) John went to college and he's got a mouth 
Hke this. (Month straight.) 

One night Sam came to see Sail, and Sam said: (Month 
tzmsted to L.) '^Sall, will you marry me?" Sail said "I 
guess so." (Tzvisted to R.) Then Sam said (To L.) "I wish 
you would." And Sail, (To R.) "Well, I will." So that 
night they got married and Sam had to blow out the candle. 
(Blozi's zmth mouth tzmsted to L.) ''Sail, I can't blow out 
this candle, come _see if you can!" (To R.) "All right." 
(To L.) "Well, 1 wish you would." (To R.) "Well, I 
will." (Sall tries.) 

"Sam, I can't blow this candle out, I'll call mother " (To 
/..) "Well, T wish you would." (ToR.) "Well. I will. Maw, 
maw, I wish you'd come and see if you can blow this candle 



12 THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 

out. Sam tried and I tried, and we can't blow it out. So 
come and see if you can." {Lips pulled in.) "All right." 
{To R.) "Well, I wish you would." {Lips pulled in.) 
Well, I will." {Blows.) 

"Sail, I can't blow this candle out, I'll call Paw." {To R.) 
"Well, I wish you would." {Lips in.) "Well, I will." Paw, 
Paw, come and see if you can blow this candle out. Sam tried 
and Sail tried and I tried and we can't blow it out. Come 
and see if you can." {Lips parted.) "All right." {Lips in.) 
"Well, I wish you would." {Lips parted.) "Well, I will." 
{Blozvs.) "Maw, Maw, I can't blow this candle out.- Pll 
call John." {Lips in.) "Well, I wish you would." {Lips 
parted.) "Well, I will. John, John, come and see if you 
can blow this candle out. Sam tried, Sail tried, Maw tried 
and I tried and we can't blow it out. Come and see if you 
can." "All right." {Lips parted.) "Well, I wish you 
would." {Natural.) "Well, I will." {Blozvs it out.) And 
John blew out the candle, and so you see what a blessing 
it is to have a college education. {Bows and goes hack of 
the wall in place.) 

End of Second Stunt. 

The Third Stunt, 
a barnyard chorus. 

Grand. I feel like I was goin' to sing. 

Paw. Go ahead, Grandmaw, our lives are all insured. 

Debbie. Fm defif in one ear and can't hear out of tother, 
so go as far as you like, I don't care. 

Grand. Wait till I git the pitch. Do, mi, solj do. Dishy, 
you can accompany me on the piano. Gimme a chord. 
La, la! {Sings.) 

MARY had a little LAMB. 

Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb, 
Mary had a little lamb, ba, ba, ba, ba ba ! 
Paw {sings). Mary had a little duck, little duck, little 
duck, 
Mary had a little duck, quack, quack, quack, quack, 
quack ! 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 13 

Grand. Singing of the lamb, Ba-a-a-ah, Ba-a-a-ah. 
Paw (at the same time). Singing of the duck, quack, etc. 
Both. Oh, ain't I glad to get out the wilderness, 

Get out the wilderness, get out the wilderness, 
Ain't I glad to get out the wilderness, 
Riding on the lamb. 
Debbie. Mary had a little hen, little hen, little hen, 

Mary had a little hen, squawk, squawk, squawk, 
squawk. 
Dumpy. Mary had a little cow, etc. 
Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo ! 
All Four. Singing of the, etc. 
DoTTiE. Mary had a little pig, etc. 

Oi, oi, oi, oi ! 
Daffy. Mary had a little mule, etc. 

Yaw, yaw, yaw, yaw ! 
All Six. Singing of the, etc. 
Doughnut. Mary had a little cat, 
Row, row, row, riah ! 
Baby. Mary had a little pup. 
Bow, wow, wow, wow! 
All. Singing of the, etc. 

(All repeat chorus, imitating their respective animals.) 
End of the Third Stunt. 

Aunt D. (turns and sees the Family going through ges- 
tures and singing rapidly). They're crazy! They're be- 
witched. (Screams.) Stop it! I can't stand it no more. 
(Family stop.) I'm going to faint. Help, help! Fm real 
fainty. (Faints on floor.) 

(The Family disappear behind the fence. Grandmaw, 
Debbie, Paw, Doughnut and Dumpy run to the assistance 
of Aunt D.) 

Debbie. Here, lift her up onto the stool. Fan her! 
(All obey.) 

Grandmaw. Quick, Dumpy, run and get the camp-fire 
bottle. (Dumpy runs back of zvall.) 

Paw. Here, Debbie, pump her arms back and forth. 



14 THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 

(Aunt D. is seated on floor back to piano stool. Debbie 
and Paw pump her arms back and forth. Grand, fans her 
with her apron.) 

Grand. Git a feather and burn it under her nose. 
Doughnut. Stick her with a pin. {Pretends to do this.) 
Debbie. Git a bucket of water and throw it all over her. 
(Runs back of wall.) 

All work fast and speak loud and excited. Enter Dumpy 
with large bottle. 

Dumpy. Here's the camp-fire. 

Doughnut. Pour it over her head. 

Paw. Nonsense. Whoever heerd tell of sich a thing? 
Make her drink it. (Paw makes her drink it, others all run- 
ning around excitedly.) 

Debbie (comes out with dipper of water). Here's some 
water. (Sprinkles a. little on Aunt D.'s head.) 

Grand. That ain't the way. Gimme that water. (Takes 
dipper and throws water in Aunt's face. Note : There 
should only be a little water in dipper.) 

Aunt D. My stars and chicken gizzards, what you 
tryin' to do, drown me? (Stands up.) Vm going to faint 
again. Oh! (Staggers.) 

Doughnut. Where's that pin? (Shozvs pin to audi- 
ence and then pretends to stick Aunt zvith it.) 
, Aunt D. Owww! (Chases Doughnut all around, the 
others follozmng them running in confusion. All run behind 
the zvall.) 

The Fourth Stunt. 
A little blossom. 

During the excitement of the preceding scene Baby sits 
on the wall. 

Tills stunt is accomplished by stuffing a small pair of 
stockings to represent legs, then put baby shoes on them. 
Baby zvears a small skirt up under her arms and zvhen the 
stuffed stockings are put on the zvall and Baby stands be- 
hind them arranging the skirt to represent an infant's dress, 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 15 

the effect from the audience is that of a three-year-old child 
sitting on the wall. 

Baby. Wow! (Loud yell.) Wow! oo-goo ! Say, why 
^ont you pay some attention to me ? Zey's all wunned away 
and left me here on the wall all by my 'ittle own self. Hello, 
audience ! You isn't wunned away and I'm glad of that. I 
don' care if they never come back, it ain't goin' to make me 
cwy. Say, I can say a piece, I can. Maybe if you dimme 
a nickel I'll say it for you. (Pauses.) Tome on, dimme a 
nickel. Mr. (insert the name of someone in the audi- 
ence) won't you dimme a nickel? You'd better, or I'll tell 
sump'm you don't want me to. Oh, I know sump'm 'bout 
you, I do. I'll tell about (insert local joke) if you don' 
dimme a nickel. Oh, goody, he thaid he would. Now I'll 
thpeak my 'ittle piece. 

I am 'ist a 'ittle blossom, 

Only free years old ; 
But I am a 'ittle lady, 

Des' as dood as dold. 
I can thinr and I can whistle — 

Wanta hear me twy ? ' 

No, I dassent, mamma'd 'pank me 

In the (pause) sweet bye and bye. 
Dwann.a calls me 'ittle blossom, 

Dwanpa 'ittle pickle. 
Now I thaid my 'ittle piece, 
Do I det the nickel? 

Thay, my thither does to school, she doeth. She'th thix 
years old and she'th in the B class. I telld her thee was in 
the B class because thee had the hives. (Childish chuckle.) 
Ain' dat funny? Say, I dot another thither, too. Her name 
Thuthie. Thee'th dot a beau, Thuthie hath. Hith name's 

. An' he'th awfully thoft. Jest like molatheth. I 

tain' thay molatheth very good yet, tause my tongue gets 

tvith-ted. Last night Mr. tame to tall on my thither 

Thuthie. (Laughs.) I hid under the piano when he tame. 
They didn't either of 'em know I wath under there all 
scrooged up. Purty thoon they that down on the thofa and 



16 THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 

the room wath dark a little. Then he thighed, thataway. 
(Imitates.) Then they didn't do nothin'. Then thee thighed, 
thataway. [Imitates.) And the, oh, wee! (Chuckles.) I 
heard an awful thound. Like to skeerd me purt' nigh to 
death. I dunno what it wath, but it sounded like our old 
cow Bossy when thee pulls her foot out of a big squshy 
mud-hole. Isst thataway. (Imitates by drazmng in the 
breath audibly, then making the sound of a big kiss.) That'th 
all I know, bood-bye. (Disappears back of wall.) 

The Fifth Stunt. 

bohunkus. 

Aunt D. at the piano plays '^Auld Lang Syne'' rather 
slowly and in marked time. Dottie and Daffy appear back 
of the wall, dressed as farmers, only the shoulders and 
heads being visible. They wear false zvhiskers, mustaches, 
big tattered straw hats, etc., and try to sing and act as much 
like men as possible. They sing the follozving song in unison. 

There was a farmer had two sons, 
I And them two sons was brothers, 

Bohunkus was the name of one, 
Josephus was the other's. 

Josephus married him a wife, 

And fed her on some cereal. 
He didn't care what dress she'd wear 

So it was immaterial. 

Aunt D. (speaks). What was immaterial? 
Twins (speak). Her dress was immaterial. 
Aunt D. My stars and chicken gizzards, ain't that 
awful ? 

Twins (sing). ' 

A missionary Jo became, 

Them Zulus had presumption, 
To carve him up with vinegar 

And kill him by consumption. 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 17 

Bohunkus traveled in the West, 

And met a girl in Reno, 
She took his cash and ran away, 
He gently niurniured Keno. 
Aunt D. (speaks). You mean she ran away and left 
him ? 

Twins (speak). That's what she did, Amity. 

Aunt D. And took all his money? 

Twins. Yes, she had such a taking way with her. 

Aunt D. Ain't that jest awful? 

Twins (sing). 

Bo then joined with a side-show troupe 

Of reputation shady, 
And to the altar he did lead 
The sweet-faced bearded lady. 

Now them two lads are dead and gone, 

Long may their ashes rest, 
Josephus of the cannibals died, 
Bohunkus by request. 
Twins (chant as for ''amen'') . That's all. (They sloidy 
sink down behind the icall.) 

End of the Fifth Stunt. 

The Sixth Stunt, 
a ghost in a garden. 

(After a slight pause a long cat-call, "Reou!" is heard 
hack of the zvall. Then after a pause another prolonged 
cat-call. Doughnut sticks his head out front zvall, a skull's 
inask on his face. Aunt D. plays ''ghostly chords.") 

Doughnut. Shhh! (He enters attired in a long Hoiving 
sheet. Comes dozam to Aunt D., taking long strides and 
touches her on the shoulder.) 

Aunt D. (seeing him for the first time, lets out a falsetto 
shriek and runs behind the zvall unth short, funny steps). 
Aww ! 

Doughnut (stalks dozvn C, bozvs to audience). Shhh! 



18 THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 

(Turns dozn'ii footligJiis, crosses to ivallj faces audience.) 
Shhh ! (Stalks beliDid the zuall.) 

(There is a pause, then a long "Reon!" cat-call heard 
behind the wall. After another pause, Paw comes down 
front.) 

Paw (carrying a ukulele, banjo or guitar). Come on, 
Dumpy, hurry up. 

Dumpy (concealed back of zvall). A-a-all right, Pm a 
hurryin'. 

Dough, (gives a long ghostly groan). 

Dumpy. Gee whizz, what's that? Paw, Pm skeerd. 

Paw. Come on here in the garden, there ain't nothin' to 
be skeerd of. 

Dumpy appears, trembling with fright. 

Dumpy. H-h-here I am. 

Paw. What you so nervous about? 

Dumpy. I ain't nervous, Pm skeerd. Jes' plum sk-k-k- 
keerd. 

Paw. What you shakin' fer? Got a tech of the feverago? 

Dumpy. No, sir, tain't nothin' hke that; it's -the ghost- 
ago, that's what it is. This here garden's haunted. There's 
ghosts and expecters all around us. 

Paw (laughs). Haw, haw, haw! 

Dough, (concealed, gives a ghastly echo). Haw, haw, 
haw ! 

Dumpy (zvho is near the zi^all, runs to Paw and catches 
him around the neck). Save me, save me, it's ghostesses. 

Paw (throws him off). You're crazy. What makes you 
think there's ghosts here ? 

Dumpy (sniffs). Kase I smells 'em. 

Paw. Smell 'em? Pshaw, you can't smell a ghost. 

Dumpy. Yes, you kin, too. 

Paw. How do they smell? 

Dumpy. Wall, it's kinder like a mouldy graveyard and 
kinder like the tail end of a blue-spurt match. I'm goin' 
back home. (Starts to teazle.) 

Paw (pulls him back). Now, don't you be a coward. 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAiMILY 19 

Dumpy. I ain't no coward, I'm skeerd, that's all. I don't 
want to have nothin' to do with no ghosts. 

Paw (pulls piano stool to C. and thrinns his banjo). 
There ! 

Dough, (imitates on another banjo back of the zvall). 
There ! 

Dumpy {falls from stool to Hoor). Gee whillikins and 
fried fish-eggs ! 

Paw. What's the matter with you? Falling around like 
aclown in the circus. 

Dumpy. Uuuum ! Didn't you hear it? {Gets up by de- 
grees.) 

Paw. Hear what ? 

Dumpy. I dunno what, and I ain't goin' to stop and find 
out neither. Fm goin' home. {Starts out.) 

Paw (pulls him back). It's your imagination. Sit down 
now and I'll play a little on the banjo. (Strikes strings at 
random.) 

Dough, (imitates him). 

Dumpy. There it is again ! I tell you, paw, this yere 
place ain't healthy no more. I'm goin' home. 

Paw. Boy, set down. Set down, I say. (Dumpy sits.) 
I ain't a goin' home now. I'm goin' to stay right here and 
have a good time a singin' and dancin'. (Sings dance 
strain.) Ta-tum-tum-tee-tee. (Dances and is seii^ed zuith 
a "crick" in his leg, staggers to chair zvith a long groan.) 
Ooooh ! 

Dough, (imitates). Ooooh! 

Dumpy. Oh, I'm goin' home. Didn't you hear it? 

Paw. Yes, I heerd it that time. Don't you know what 
that is? 

Dumpy. Ghostesses. 

Paw. Naw, that's an echo. 

Dumpy. What-o? 

Paw. Echo. Just listen and you'll hear it. (Claps hands 
three times quickly.) 

Dough, (imitates sound). 

Dumpy. Is that an echo? 



20 THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 

Paw. Of course it is. (Claps three times as before,) 

Dough . ( imitates ) . 

Dumpy. Does it always do that? 

Paw. Course it does. 

Dumpy, ^.emme try it. (Claps hands twice but misses 
the third time.) 

Dough, (claps three times). 

Dumpy. Gosh, I fooled the echo. {^Laughs loudly.) 

Dough, (gives a ghostly laugh). 

Dumpy (frightened again). Ghostesses! 

Paw. Now listen. (Ca//.r.) Victoria! 

Dough, (echoes). Oria. 

Paw (calls). Go to school. 

Dough, (echoes). You're a fool. 

Dumpy. Gosh, that echo knows you, don't he? (Laughs.) 
Lemme try. (Calls.) May, June, July-y-y-y ! 

Dough. You lie! 

Paw (laughs). He knows you, too. 

Dumpy (calls). Echo, lend me a dollar. 

Dough, (ghostly laugh). Haw, haw, haw! 

Dumpy. I ain't goin' to be afraid of no old echo ghost 
no more. (Sits on bench.) Paw, play us a tune. (Looks 
straight ahead out in audience.) 

Paw (seated beside him, facing audience). Of course 
you ain't afraid of no ghost, cause there ain't no sich thing. 
Pshaw, I wouldn't be afraid of a ghost nine feet high and 
snortin' fire and brimstone. I wouldn't be scared if one of 
'em stood right here beside me. 

Dough, (appe'ars beside Paw atid touches him on arm). 

Paw (looks up, runs behind zvall with long steps, Dough. 
takes his place). 

Dumpy (looking straight to front, not realii^ing what has 
happened). I wouldn't be askeerd of no ghost ef he war 
fifty feet high, and had wings and purple horns and a red 
and yallar tail. Huh, ghosts can't skeer me. All I was 
skeerd of was the echo, and I fooled him. (Laughs loudly.) 
Old echo clapped his hands when I never made a sound. 
(Laughs loudly and slaps Doughnut on the knee. His 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 21 

merriment cliauges to zvonder, then to fright. He trembles 
"I'iolenfly, rubs his hand over Doughnut's knee and sloidy 
looks at Doughnut. He gives a zmld scream, falls off the 
bench and scrambles out behind the wall, followed by 
Doughnut, zvho stalks off.) 

End of Sixth Stunt. 

(Aunt D. comes in and turns on the footlights. She sits 
at the piano and plays ''Dixie" zvhile the family appear he- 
hind the wall as at first. All sing :) 

JOIN OUR JOLLY PARTY 

{Tune: ''Dixie.") 

Way down south where the land is sunny- 
Lived the Family Doo-Funny, 
Whoop 'er up, whoop 'er up, 
Whoop 'er up like sixty ! 
We laugh and sing the whole day long, 
Come on and join us in our song, 

Whoop 'er up, etc. 
Then I wish you'd join our party, 

Hurray, hurray ! 
Don't sit there, mum, get up and come, 

And join our jolly party! 
A smile — a laugh — is better far than money, 
So grin — and cheer — and join the gay Doo-Funny. 
Grand. Once was a gal and her name was Katy, 

She had a good time though nearly eighty 1 
All. Whoop 'er up, etc. 
Paw. Don't sit there like a bunch of chickens. 

Clap your hands and raise the dickens. 
All. Whoop 'er up, etc. 

Then I wish you'd join our party, etc. 
Daffy. We laugh and sing to spite the weather, 

Let's all raise the roof together! 
All. Whoop 'er up, etc. 
Baby. Always gay and always jolly. 
Ain't no sense in melancholy ! 



22 THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 

All. Whoop 'er up, etc. 

Then I wish you'd join our party, etc. 
Aunt D. (rises). I'm not going- to sit here and play any 
more for such fooHshness. I've been patient while all this 
here fol-de-rol's been goin' on, but my stars and chicken 
gizzards, it's enough to try the patience of a saint, and 
lawsy knows I ain't no saint. Now I want to know what's 
all this tom-foolishness about? First, what on earth have 
you been doin' to your noses? 

Paw. My nose is built on the installment plan, 

Or else I'd be a handsome man. 
Debbie. My nose I'll admit is a little long. 

But what do I care? That's nothing wrong. 
Grand. Though I got a nose like a kangaroo 
If I don't mind it, why should you? 
Aunt D. (gets a large carving knife frotn top of piano). 
I'm going to see what's happened to your noses. Maybe I 
can make you look natural again. (Goes to Grand.) Lemme 
carve off a little right here. 

Witch appears at rear of the audience room. 
Witch. Dishy Doo-Funny, stay yo«r hand, 
And only move at my command ! 

(Aunt D. stands petrified.) 
You really don't know what you do. 
Aunt D. Pray tell me, madam, who are you? 
Witch (coming dozvn the aisle). Silence, while I say 
my say, 
Or I will make you rue this day. 
Who am I ? Now that is funny. 
Don't you know me, Dish Doo-Funny? 
Aunt D. I really can't say that I do ! 
Witch. I'm the witch from Timbuctoo. 

(Climbs on stage.) 
Two weeks ago I came by here, 
And saw this family all so queer. 
Nice looking people, every one. 
But grouchy and gloomy from sun to sun. 
So I says to myself, I says, says I, 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 23 

They don't do a thing but sit and sigh — 
I think I'll witch their gloom away 
And make them jolly, bright and gay. 
No sooner said than it was done — 
Their natures changed, but every one 
Sprouted a nose that looked so queer, 
That I ran away and left them here. 
Then to my friend the Owl I went 
And told him how my time I'd spent ; 
The wise old Owl said, "Go on back, 
And rub each nose with a carpet tack. 
If you do this by the light of the moon — 
Not too late nor not too soon — 
Each nose will shrink, and I am shore 
They'll be as handsome as they were before." 
I had to wait for the full moon's light. 
But now I'll fix you up all right. 
Just wash each face behind the wall, 
And that will beautify you all. 

(Family disappear.) 

And you (to Aunt D.) had better join them, too, 

It really might help even you ! 

(Aunt D. n'alks stiffiy as in a trance and disappears he- 
hind the zvall.) 

And now, if there are any here. 
With face or form that's wrong or queer. 
This is your chance — speak up — I'll try 
My witch's art to beautify. 

Enter Tessie Tubes from behind ivaU. The part should 
he played hy a tall, thin girl. Fasten a stuffed head and 
false face on the tip of an umhreUa. Drape the umhrella 
zvith a long kimono and sczu a fur hoa or fluffy neck-piece 
to fill the gap. Open the umhrella and have Tessie hunch 
down inside it, appearing to be a very short, fat zvoman. 
She zvaddles to the Witch with great difficulty, puffs and 
whee::es. 



24 THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 

Tessie. Oh, darling Witch of Timbuctoo, 

Poor Tessie Tubbs here comes to you. 
I am so short and very fat 
I really don't know where I'm at. 
I came out from behind the wall 
To beg of you to make me tall ! 
Witch. To make you tall? Some operation 
Is needed for that alteration. 

(Takes bottle from piano.) 
Just take this medicine, my dear! 

(Feeds false face zvith big spoon.) 
Tessie (squeaks). Oh, my, I feel so awful queer! 

It's nasty — tell me %hat is in it. 
Witch. Be silent! Stand back there a minute; 
And then my power you'll surely know. 
For you will grow and grow and grow ! 

Tessie ivaddles to rear. Lengthy Lizzie enters, a 
short, plump girl, zvith umbrella and kimono and false face 
arranged as suggested above, but she keeps the umbrella 
closed and held high above her head, giving the appearance 
of a very tall, thin girl. 

Lizzie. Make way, make way for Lengthy Lizzie, 
I am so tall it makes me dizzy, 
So I have come, dear Witch, to you 
To ask what I had ought to do 
To be made short and cute and pretty, 
With golden hair and language witty ! 

Witch. Of course, dear child, I'll make you small, 
Just taste this stuff I Now drink it all ! 

Lizzie (staggers). Oh, my, I don't know what I'm doing. 

Witch. That's good, the medicine is brewing. 

Tessie (zuho has closed her umbrella and stood up 
straight). Oh, look at me, I'm growing tall! 

Lizzie (opening umbrella and hunching dozvn). 

And me, ha, ha ! I'm getting small. 
Tessie. Oh, I could fairly dance with glee ! 
Lizzie. And I am happy as can be. 



THE DOO-FUNNY FAMILY 25 

Witch. Behind that wall there is a spring, 
Go jump in it, and you will sing 
And dance with joy, for you will be 
The cutest pair you e'er did see ! 
(Lizzie and Tessie go back of wall.) 

Grand, (appears back of zvall, a handsome old lady in 
black). Well, I must say it was a relief to get rid of that 
nose and chin. (Laughs.) I must have looked like old man 
Punch in the Punch and Judy show. 

Paw (appears back of zmll in modern attire and made 
up as good looking man of forty). We've lost our surplus 
noses, but our dispositions are just as good as ever. 

Witch. Then don't stand there as if you were afraid. 
Come out here where everyone can see what Pve done for 
you. 

All the characters come to front of stage, bow to audi- 
ence and sing last stanza of "Join Our Jolly Party" to tune 
of "Dixie," then all inarch through the audience and out at 
rear, still singing. 

Curtain. 



Her Honor the Mayor 

By MARY MODENA BURNS, A. M. 

Price, 35 Cents 

A farcical satire in 3 acts; 3 males, 5 females. One of the 
latter may be assumed Ity a man. Time, 2 hours. Scene: A 
parlor. Characters: I.,ester Parmenter, who becomes the mayor's 
husband. Hon. Mil^e McGoon, wlio becomes the hired girl. Clar- 
ence Greenway, the village groom. Eve Greenway, who becomes 
the mayor. Doris Denton, tlie fire chief. Rosalie Myers, her 
chum. Eliza Goober, the "cullud" cook, who becomes the chief 
of police. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Eve's suburban villa. Three indignant suffragists. "I 
tell you, girls, the more a woman sees of a man, the more she 
likes a bulldog." Eve joins the cause of woman's rights. "I'll 
show you how a weak, clinging vine can tame a mere man." 
Lester Parmenter, Eve's fiance and candidate for Mayor, is tamed. 
The political boss has a tilt with tlie leader of the suffragettes. 
"If a woman is a rag, a bone and a hank of hair, tlien man is a 
jag, a drone and a tank of air!" The boss bribes tlie "cullud" 
hired girl to drug Lester. Eve dreams slie has been elected 
Mayor, 

Act IT. — Eve's dream. Women are making- the laws and men 
are making the beds. "I've been darning stockings like a dutiful 
husband." Lester asks his wife for a little money. "Wliat did 
you do with that dollar and a half I gave you last week?" Clar- 
ence is insulted by Mrs. McNabb and is rescued by Doris Denton, 
the brave Fire Chief. Rosalie bribes tlie Mayor. A "cullud" Chief 
of the Police. Mrs. McNabb proposes to Clarence. "I still hold 
the winning card." A duel for the documents. "Saved, savedl" 

Act III. — Eve still dreams. Clarence's wedding day. Mike de- 
mands tlie ballot for men. "We have to pay taxes and why 
shouldn't we be allowed the ballot? Votes for Men!" The elope- 
ment of Clarence. Eliza arrests Mike, but he produces the "col- 
lateral" and is set free. "Officer, do your duty." Her Honor the 
Mayor is arrested. Eve awakes and learns that it was all a dream. 



The Lady of the Opera House 

By FANNY CANNON 

Price, 25 Cents 

Dramatic sketch; 2 males, 2 females. Time, 30 minutes. It 
deals with the affairs of a man and woman, struggling young 
artists. The old theme of misdirected love, jealousy and the 
realization of true devotion treated in a delightfully original man- 
ner. A most unusual bit of dramatic writing and not intended 
for beginners, but clever ambitious amateurs will find it an excel- 
lent vehicle in which to display their talent. There is nothing 
published better suited for dramatic schools. The author's book, 
"Writing and Selling a Play," is a sufficient recommendation as 
to her ability as a dramatist. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



A Poor Married Man 

By WALTER BEN HARE 

Price, 35 Cents 

Farce -comedy, 3 acts; 4 males, 4 females. Can be played with 
3 females by easy doultle. Time, 2 hours. Scene: One only, a 
parlor. Unlimited opportunities for hen-pecked husband and negiT> 
comedian, excellent li^ht young comedian, three pretty young 
ladies of contrasting types, an innocent old doctor and one of the 
best mother-in-law parts ever written, complete the cast. This 
i^ an effervescent farce-comedy that tells a consistent story, full 
of incident and situations. The dialogue abounds in telling lines, 
each good for a laugh. The poor professor's marital experience 
with two wives, his terror of his mother-in-law and the escapades 
of the black Jupiter Jackson will furnish two hours of unmitigated 
fun. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Living room in the professor's bungalow. The students 
prepare a hot reception for the professor and his bride. The pretty 
college reporter writes up the home coming. The dummy bride, 
Jupiter has trouble with the "decoriations." "Well, I'll be dog- 
goned." The bride's mother arrives. "Is this a lunatic asylum?" 
"No, lady, it's only a college town." "That's the same thing!" 
"Here comes the bride!" A befuddled bridegroom. "Is dat young 
hippopotamus our little pet dog Socrates?" "Say, how old is my 
daughter?" "I should say about twenty." "Then how old is my 
wife?" "Well, she must be at least twenty-one." Lobster salad 
and mysterious disappearances. A modern Lucrezia Borgia. Get- 
ting rid of Socrates. "My dear, you've married a lunatic!" 

Act II. — Same scene as Act I. Billy and Zoie. "Professor, 
I love your wife." "Take her mother." Doctor Graham and his 
modest little daughter make a great impression on the professor. 
"We'll get a divorce." A peaceful little lunch. "Good lawsey 
me, I'se poisoned, I'se a dead nigger, I'se a gone coon!" Off 
for Reno. 

Act III. — Two years later. A happy family. Marriage is not 
a failure. A letter from Billy. Doctor Graham and his bride. 
"She's like a violet, a little, timid, shrinking violet!" June mis- 
takes Zoie for her new mamma. "You have deceived me, sir; 
I'll get a divorce." The professor's nightmare. Billy's trip to 
China and what he found there. "Marriage is a great and grand 
success." 

The Winning Widow 

By EDITH F. A, U. PAINTON 

Price, 25 Cents 

Parlor comedy in 2 acts; 2 males, 4 females. Time, 1% hours, 
A charming widow, who pretends to be a man-hater, has two 
daughters that have suitors. She herself wins one of these young 
men, whicli brings about complications, while the other finds, in 
the maid, his long lost sweetheart and a disguised relative of the 
widow. Excellent opportunity for four lively j^oung actresses, as 
the parts are equally strong. A sparkling comedy, particularly 
recommended for social occasions, high schools, etc. 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



The Lady of the Library 

By EDITH F. A. U. PAINTON 
Price, 35 Cents 

A delightful comedy-drama of village life in 3 acts; 5 maleK, 
10 females. Time, 2 hours. Scene: Reading room of a jOubli., 
library; easily set. A most refined and lovable librarian of 60 
years, surprisingly youthful in appearance and manner, plays tht 
leading role. Through her selection of literature the towm htvfi 
been brought up to a high standard. Although sincerely in love 
with a certain judge, she has allowed the whims of othi^rs tc 
keep tliem apart for many years; however, they are finally xmited. 
Pearl, the pretty ingenue, a strong part. Bits of good comedy 
furnished by two typical old maids, a movie actress, newlyweds 
and the "proprietor of the dust rag." A story that inspires the 
most pleasant thoughts and is bound to find its way to the heart 
of every audience. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Morning at the Library. A movie actress in ordinary 
role. "Miss Avis won't be an old maid when she's a hundred." 
Burr warns Pearl against the fate of a spinster. The missing 
book. Mrs. Nelson recalls old times. The new preacher feels 
called to set to rights a few things. "Would you close the doors 
of knowledge to your four-footed brotliers?" Mrs. Edgeworth 
exerts her authority. A startling insinuation. Avis unlocks the 
chambers of the past. "God be merciful to all who are born 
women!" 

Act II. — Mrs. Edgeworth on the war-path. Sam assumes the 
blame. "I'm the guy that put the sin in Cincinnati." The Judge's 
return takes everybody by surprise. The preaclier Interviews 
Pearl and Susanne appeals for religious instruction. Mrs. Edge- 
worth's accusation is met by opposition. "If this was the Judg- 
ment Day and you were the Angel of Death itself. I could give 
no other answer!" "I would stake my very life on her honesty." 

Act III. — Sam gets poetic through literary association. The 
preaclier hears the story of Pearl's origin. Avis resigns her 
position. The Judge liears of the pearl ring and finds the long- 
sought child. Mrs. Edgeworth's change of heart. "Of course 
the dear child was not at all to blame." The Judge reveals the 
mystery of the lost volume and Burr contributes his share to 
the revelation. Pearl speaks her mind. "I have nothing what- 
ever to say to Burr's motlier." Mrs. Edgeworth rejoices. "I 
have always longed for a daughter." Susanne frightens the min- 
ister. "Go away, lady!" Avis receives and answers her letter at 
last. The Judge "considers their ages" and gets his "turn" at 
last. "Is it too late to find the minister?" 



At Harmony Junction 

By FREDERICK G. JOHNSON 

Price, 25 Cents 

Comedy character sketch for a singing quartette; 4 males. 
Time, 20 minutes. The rube station agent, the colored porter, 
the tramp and the stranger supply mirth and melody while wait- 
ing for the train "due th' day before yistiddy." 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List off Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free 



FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price 25 Cents Each 

M. F. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 
Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 

min 1 2 

Aunt Alatilda's Birthday Party, 

35 min 11 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 30 min... 2 3 

]>orrowed Luncheon. 20 min.. 5 

I'orrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Class Ship, 35 min 3 8 

Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 

Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 

Goose Creek Line, 1 hr 3 10 

Great Pumpkin Case, 35 min.. 12 

Hans \'on Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

Honest Peggy, 25 min 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Just Like a Woman, 35 min... 3 3 

Last Rehearsal, 25 min 2 3 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Paper Wedding. 30 min 1 5 

Pat's ^latrimonial \'enture, 25 

min 1 2 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Sewing for the Heathen, 40 

min 9 

Shadows, 35 min 3 4 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 
Teacher Kin I Go Home, 35 

min 7 3 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min . . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

LTncle Dick's iMistake. 20 min.. 3 2 

Wanted: a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 
Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of 

Spades. 40 min 3 6 

Whole Truth. 40 min 5 4 

Who's the Boss? 30 min . . 3 6 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price 15 Cents Each 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 15 min 3 2 

J'.aby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Before the Play Begins, 15 

min. . . . ; 2 1 

Billy's Mishaps, 20 min 2 3 

Country Justice. 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 25 m. 3 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 ijiin 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 



Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 

Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix. 15 m. 2 

Wanted: A Hero, 20 min 1 1 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES 
Price 25 Cents Each 

Amateur, 15 min 1 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 
Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 
Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube ! 1 5 min 1 

It Might Happen, 20 min 1 1 

Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 
Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 
]\Iarriage and After, 10 min.. 1 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, lOin. 1 
Quick Lunch Cabaret, 20 min. . 4 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Street Faker, 15 min 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 

Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1 
Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 
Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 
Vait a Minute 2 

BLACK-FACE PLAYS 
Price 15 Cents Each 

Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 

min 10 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 m... 1 1 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 
Darktown Fire Brigade, 25m.. 10 
Good jMornin' Judee, 35 min.. 9 2 

Hungry, 1 5 min 2 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 

Oh. Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min, . . 4 
What Happened to Hannah, 15 

min 1 1 

A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed in 

Denison's Catalogue 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers.154 W. Randolph St. , Chicago 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



POPULAR ENTERTAI 

Illustrated Papei 



OTCHYOOMIC 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 



A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original. 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 60,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
Th i Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch^ Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, original. 




M 



017 400 500 A 



Scrap- Book Recitations. ~^ -«» >^ 
Choice collections, pathetic, btt-'* 
morous, descriptive, pro.se, 
poetry. 15 Nos. 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marche?. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Christmas Entertainer. 

Novel and diversified. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletlde Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

The Black-Face Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland, via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jokes, gags, etc. 

Larse illustrated Cataloeue Free 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY,Publishers,154W.Randolph St., Chicago 



